Bright Intermissions: A Collection of Snippets
by Maddithong
Summary: This is a digital book filled with small chapters of nothing but banter, for the times we need to relax and forget that the galaxy as we know it is getting Reaped. ME3 ShepFxGarrus Warnings and explanations inside
1. Welcome

**Summary**: This is a digital book filled with small chapters of nothing but banter, for the times we need to relax and forget that the galaxy as we know it is getting _Reap_ed.

These are incredibly short and consist of mostly dialog. Some plot aspects may be kept from the game, but most of the reactions and interactions of the characters will be completely redefined.

This is also a Shepard x Garrus centric fic, therefore be ready for a lot of fluff.

**Warnings**: Swearing, innuendo, violence, and a lot of humor that many might not find that funny and more alienist than anything.

I would also suggest playing the game first. I hate spoilering, so I just want to prepare you.

**Copyrightshit**: I do not own the series. Bioware made it including the characters, settings, objects, science, textures, coding, voices, animations, guns and some plot points. - The maturity level of Shepard is all me though. 

* * *

><p><strong>Bright Intermissions<strong>: A Collection of Snippets

* * *

><p><strong>Snippet 01<strong>: Welcome

* * *

><p>"I guess I should say 'Welcome back, Commander'."<p>

"Yeah. Great welcoming party, by the way."

"Hey not our fault, _they _were not invited."

"A party without kilometers-long-destructive-machines-aiming-to-wipe-out-the-galaxy just isn't a party."

"Hah! Right you are, Shepard - Ouch." The human male stumbled backwards after colliding with the back of an armored hero. "I know you've got plenty on your mind, but could you maybe give some kind of warning before you randomly freeze on spot?" He crinkled his brow in slight amusement at the woman who turned to face him.

"Sorry, Lt. You just... reminded me of someone." She smiled softly.

"Oh-hoh," He chittered with a grin. "Perhaps a charming soldier that swept you off your feet back in the good ol' days?" The Hispanic brunette quickly kept up with the fast strides of his commander as they made their way down the metal paths Normandy had to offer.

"You could say that." Shepard laughed and turned around to face her companion before leaving the CIC. "His name was Wrex."

"Wrex?" Vega frowned. "Wait, wasn't that a-" And the door swished closed in between them.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: I always picture Wrex giving a great huffed "Hah!" to everything amusing Shepard says. I think she would pick up on that when others did it.


	2. Damn you!

**Bright Intermissions**: A Collection of Snippets

* * *

><p><strong>Snippet 02<strong>: Damn you!

* * *

><p>"Shit!"<p>

/"Shepard?"/

"Shit! Shit! Shit!"

/"Commander, are you okay?"/

"Oh fuck me."

/"Jesus, Shepard, answer me!"/

"I'm - I'm fine, Vega... Shit."

/"Okay. Mind telling us which limb just got blown off?"/

"None, no limbs off. Ugh."

/"Anything broken?"/

"Tripped over a dead Cerberus bastard, sent me flying, _somehow _managed to lose a boot, stubbed my big toe on a fucking biotic barrier."

/"... seriously?"/

"And Cerberus has the last laugh once again!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: -shakes fist at sky angrily-


	3. Elevator Blues

**Bright Intermissions**: A Collection of Snippets

* * *

><p><strong>Snippet 03<strong>: Elevator Blues

* * *

><p>"Shepard, I really need to know."<p>

"Know what, Kaiden?" Dark haired, blue eyed, pale skinned and rather irritated Shepard pressed the screen of the elevator to send them down, the brunette beside her fidgeted uncomfortably at her impartial tone.

"I just have... questions."

"Uh huh...?" A finger went back up to impatiently hurry the movement.

"About, you know, _Cerberus._"

"Oh here we go." Shepard tapped the auburn screen repetitively making it flicker irregularly.

"Shepard, listen —"

"Yupp. Yupp. Yupp." Taptaptaptaptap.

"Can you please _stop _that?" He grabbed her gloved wrist and held it in place. Shepard looked up at him vacantly, relaxing his expression. He sighed. She yanked her arm back. "I just don't know where you stand, where _we _-"

"Oh look, we're here!" And the commander dashed out of the elevator as fast as her heavy armored boots would allow.

"At least some things haven't changed." Kaiden Alenko sighed once more, shook his head in his palm, and followed quietly

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: Oh Lt and his 'Cerberus/do-you-still-love-me talk' -dramaticfingerquotes-


	4. Gerophilia

**Bright Intermissions**: A Collection of Snippets

* * *

><p><strong>Snippet 04<strong>: Gerophilia

* * *

><p>"I'm actually pretty excited to meet this Asari of yours, Lola."<p>

"Lola...?" Kaiden's hushed question went ignored as Shepard waved her hand in the air dismissively.

"Don't even think about it, Vega. You'd have to be thousands of years old, buried in mounds of dirt and stone, and a Prothean to get Liara's undivided attention."

"Hey, I don't mind chicks that like to get down and dirty. I could be anything she wanted, Prothean, Reaper, whatever she's into."

"Vega."

"But the whole age thing is a little weird. Man, she must like them _really_ wrinkly."

"_Vega._" Shepard couldn't help but laugh at the perversions of the man behind her. Kaiden tried his best to concentrate on cleaning his pistol.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: I have no idea on what James' thoughts are on aliens, and if he even thinks Asari's are hot shit – but in my universe, he does. I think it gives him more of a personality, you know, in comparison to his canon cardboard self.

What is this? Huh? I see these numerous Favorites and Alerts, and yet the number of Reviews are about as high as the probability of baby Krogans! I am hurt, heartbroken, shattered, angsty.

Oh god have I been spelling Kaiden wrong? Is it Kaidan? Is it… Oh, oh my god.


	5. Originality

**Bright Intermissions**: A Collection of Snippets

* * *

><p><strong>Snippet 05<strong>: Originality

* * *

><p>"Shepard!" The blue alien placed one more bullet between the mercenary's eyes before holstering her weapon, and wrapping her thin arms around the approaching human. "How good it is to see you."<p>

"Hey, Liara." The commander smiled. "How have you been?"

"Better than you I am sure." Both women faltered as the sound of a sheepish whistle rang behind them. The Asari looked over Shepard's shoulder to find two human males, one of them grinning ear to ear, the other quite familiar. Vega went to give his companion a manly highfive, but was ignored.

"Hello, Kaidan." The man nodded in response. Vega looked dejected. Liara turned back to face her old friend. "I see you continue to keep a wide spectrum of companions with you."

"Ah, yes, I tend to attract the weird ones." Shepard waved her hands. "Not you, of course, you're an exception."

"Oh, I don't know," Liara laughed. "I consider myself to be quite... original."

"_Original _is right..."

"Lieutenant, I swear to god...!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: Men and their hooting. Pretty sure Vega was trying to be sneaky about that one too. Don't think Kaidan has taken a liking to him.


	6. Companion Monitors

**Bright Intermissions**: A Collection of Snippets

* * *

><p><strong>Snippet 06<strong>: Companion Monitors

* * *

><p>"I see you have settled in." Shepard announced with amusement as she entered the room her favorite Asari had literally rewired. Blue eyes grew wide at the wall filled with dozens of monitors, all suitably pointing in her direction.<p>

"Yes, I thought that we could take advantage of all the... resources I had to offer."

"Definitely." Shepard moved slightly to the side, ignoring the ball of light known as Glyph, and watched with wonder as the screens followed her movement.

"Um, Shepard?" Liara looked up from her station.

"Yeah?"

"What are you doing, exactly?"

"These displays... they move." Shepard continued to move back and forth, voice distracted and brow furrowed with absorption.

"Yes, it helps when I'm - really, Shepard?"

"What? They're cool."

"I suppose they are considerably convenient and have never been readily available to you, but... I don't think they're meant to rotate that fast."

Shepard stopped hopping across the floor and caught her breath.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: This is literally what my Shep did: Went to go say hi to Liara, ended up playing with the wall of screens instead.


	7. Paste

**Bright Intermissions**: A Collection of Snippets

* * *

><p><strong>Snippet 07<strong>: Paste

* * *

><p>"Mmm, I love eating my food in paste form." The commander poked the undesirable material with her finger. "I think it just moved."<p>

"Think of it as this, you are alive to have another meal."

"If you could call this a meal." Shepard mumbled under her breath, grimacing at the Asari sitting across from her.

"You need your nutrients, and although this isn't the most... eloquent form of dinner, it is better than nothing. What about that chef we used to have?"

"Gardner? Oh don't remind me." The brunette felt her mouth water at the thought of _real _human food, though experimental as it was.

"Perhaps we should try and find him."

"What is this, this green stuff? Beans? Grass? Stuff shaved off the bottom of Krogan's feet?"

"Now you have ruined _my _appetite."

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: Nutrient paste people. _Paste_.


	8. Robot Babes

**Bright Intermissions**: A Collection of Snippets

* * *

><p><strong>Snippet 08<strong>: Robot Babes

* * *

><p>"Hello, Shepard."<p>

"Hey, EDI." Shepard paused, and slowly looked up from her datapad. She turned to Traynor. "Sam, did EDI just _walk _to the front of the ship?"

"Uh, yes?"

"Like walk. Walk with legs and feet and everything?"

"That's usually how it works."

"What is this 'Surprise Shepard with Something Scary Day'?" Slamming her report on her terminal, the commander trotted past the confused human and made her way to the bridge. She entered to find her familiar pilot gawking what only could be placed as the perfect stripper for the Geth. "What the _hell_, Joker!"

"What? There a problem, Commander?" The man did not raise his eyes from the humanoid form, specifically its chest.

"What is this?"

"This?" He pointed at the machine, causing it to turn and face Shepard properly. "You already know EDI, silly."

"No, no. _This_." The brunette gestured with her hands the curvaceous body of metal beside her.

"I call that _perfection_, Commander."

"This unit was empty; I had taken the appropriate measures to secure it -"

"EDI," Shepard raised her hand to silent the AI. "I have no problem with you getting... legs and whatnot. But you are supposed to look, I don't know, all computer-like, with cables and wiring and stuff. Not so..."

"Hot?" Joker grinned.

"Yes, hot. Wait - no, I mean. Dammit Joker!"

"Don't worry, EDI. She's just jealous - Ow! Okay, okay! …I think you broke my elbow."

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: Seriously EDI, Shep can't compete with _that_.


	9. True Friends

**Bright Intermissions**: A Collection of Snippets

* * *

><p><strong>Snippet 09<strong>: True Friends

* * *

><p>"Wrex!"<p>

"Shepard!"

"Wrex!"

"Shepard!"

Vega leaned over slowly and carefully to whisper to the Asari beside him.

"Have they... always been like this?" Their friends continued to laugh and shake hands in the background.

"Always." They winced as Shepard jumped up and headbutted the Krogan, their cackles filled the camp and surrounding valley all afternoon.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: Wrex + Shepard = Best Friends FOREVER.


	10. Odaxelagnia

**Bright Intermissions**: A Collection of Snippets

* * *

><p><strong>Snippet 10<strong>: Odaxelagnia

* * *

><p>"Alright, General. We got the Comm Tower up and running." The commander trotted back into the Turian camp on Palavan, and dropped herself down hard on the railing. Her comrades Vega and Liara hung back quietly to recharge and watched Corinthus tap away at his plans nonchalantly.<p>

"Great job, Commander." Shepard waved her hands like it was no big deal, but stopped midair. She turned her head with a frown.

"Now I know the running joke is humans can't tell Turians apart, but I damn well know that you do not have _that_ sexy of a voice, General."

"Oh, I don't know. I was quite the big deal back in my day, Commander." The Turian stepped back to reveal yet another of his kind, taller, bluer, and the greatest sight to bless Shepard's big eyes since she caught Jacob showering. "This is-"

"Garrus." Shepard immediately got to her feet.

"What's that about a 'sexy voice', Commander?" He chuckled and reached out a hand.

"Shut up, Vakarian. That's the only compliment you're ever getting." Setting down her overly-modified assault rifle, Shepard ignored his open for a handshake and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Uh, Shepard-"

"Bite me." She swore, straining on her tiptoes. A low chuckle tickled her chin.

"Maybe later."

"Lola's into Turians?" Vega announced a little too loudly, as Shepard immediately jumped off of her companion and dashed for her rifle again, hot in the face.

"You say that again and this gun goes where the sun don't shine, Lieutenant." She mumbled, hiding her face and trying to ignore the questionable frown coming from the Turian General. Garrus coughed, loudly.

"... Wonder where that is on a Turian? - Ow, fuck, okay!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: This is a warning: I adore Garrus. He will - most likely - be in almost every snippet from here on out.

If you didn't get it, Shepard was being cheeky about him biting her (like a kiss my ass threat) – he took it as an invitation. Just imagine how smexy it would be to have a Turian growling in your ear all seductive-like. Yowsa.


	11. Hematolagnia

**Bright Intermissions**: A Collection of Snippets

* * *

><p><strong>Snippet 11<strong>: Hematolagnia

* * *

><p>"You know what's weird?" Commander Shepard swung her legs off the side of the mess table, impatiently bored in her wait for docking time.<p>

"How there are no yellow asari?" Vega moved his tray before his snack got crushed by the fully armored underside of his supposed superior. He was patiently content.

"No - well, yeah, that too. Actually, wait, it does make sense doesn't it?" She frowned down at the seated male. "I mean, it all has to do with skin pigmentation. There's no blue humans, no skin-colored asari."

"Can you imagine a bright yellow turian."

"I can - Oh!" Shepard slapped her gloved hands together, startling the fork out of Vega's hand. "Brings me back to my initial point."

"Right..." The Lieutenant brushed remnants of nutrient paste off his thighs, smearing green all over his armor. "Aw man."

"So, okay, you know what's weird?"

"We've been over this, Lola."

"Yeah, yeah." She waved dismissively. "You know how human blood tastes metallic, right?"

"It's because of iron." A familiar turian entered the scene, hands busy securing a visor to the top of his head. He caught Shepard's cocked eyebrow. "Don't ask how I remembered that."

"Yeah, tastes like copper." Vega nodded while poking his food.

"But the weird part is -"

"Yes. _Weird_."

"Shut it, Vega." Shepard nudged his arm hard, making him drop his fork yet again on his lap. Ignoring his cursing, she turned to Garrus. "How come turian blood doesn't have a metallic taste?"

"But it does, Shepard." The turian shook his head.

"Well, it does, but not a lot. It has that... that almost _fruity _aftertaste."

"Wait. Hold on a moment." Vega raised his nutrient paste covered hands to receive both companions attention. "Shepard," He turned to the blank-faced woman. "You mind telling me how the fuck you are such a connoisseur of turian blood?"

Shepard immediately discolored. Garrus coughed.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: Turian blood reminds me of that really disgustingly yummy candy gel you can by in those toothpaste shaped tubes. Mmm.

Makes you think what in the world goes on behind closed doors with Shep and her favorite alien. Or they just, you know, shared a moment on the battlefield. :D


	12. Lost and Found

**Bright Intermissions**: A Collection of Snippets

* * *

><p><strong>Snippet 12<strong>: Lost and Found

* * *

><p>"We're lost."<p>

"We are not lost, Garrus."

"Just admit it. We're lost."

"I know exactly where we are!"

"According to my omni-tool, the door we were supposed to enter was..." The asari tapped at her screen. "Back there." Shepard spun on her heels and squinted her eyes. Liara placed a comforting hand on the woman's shoulder. "20 minutes ago."

The growl that came from the Commander as she began to stomp away made her companions share a fatigued grin.

"What?" She barked at Garrus' amusement as he followed quietly. "Fine, fine! You know what? I'm lost! I got us lost!" Sporadic flailing arms caught the attention of a few scientists approaching.

"Perhaps we could ask-" Liara reached out to offer a greeting to the salarians, only to have Shepard's continuous sweltering shouts frighten them away.

"It's perfectly normal for someone to get lost once in a while, Vakarian!"

"Shepard, I-"

"I bet turians get lost all the time!"

"Of course we-"

"With those stupid... stupid visors, and beady little eyes! How you even see a krogan standing a foot in front of you is a mystery to me!"

"Commander." The door beside the arguing group opened quietly with a swosh and revealed a slim salarian in a pale lab coat. Shepard froze, fingers still poking violently and directly at Garrus' tiny blue eyes. "Nice to see you."

"Mordin?" She gaped.

Taking a breath, the salarian mustered a faint smile. "Correct."

"Mordin!" The brunette female leaped over to her old friend and blissfully shook his hand. "Hey, sing a song for me again!"

"Don't think this is the correct time-"

"Oh, come on!"

"For a small human who has the fate of the galaxy on her shoulders... She's way too energetic." Garrus sighed to Liara, who patted his back reassuringly.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: Poor Gare-bear, having to put up with _that_ all the time.

I bet none of y'all know, is that I happen to have a lizard. He's a blue-tongued Skink. His name is Garrus. :D


	13. Underwhere?

**Bright Intermissions**: A Collection of Snippets

* * *

><p><strong>Snippet 13<strong>: Underwhere?

* * *

><p>"My god." Commander Shepard shifted uncomfortably on her feet, hands busy poking and prodding her armor, this way and that. The courier they were on rocked slightly due to turbulence, forcing the woman to grab on to the railing attached to the roof to prevent herself from crashing into the sitting asari behind her. "Ugh. God."<p>

"Are you alright, Shepard?" The asari asked, watching the human straighten herself and continue shifting in her suit aggressively.

"I'm fine, it's just–" Shepard grunted while she rotated her hips in a strange way.

"Is that some kind of weird dance they do on the colonies or something?" James Vega huffed with hilarity, receiving a quick glare from the Commander.

"Very funny, Lt." Shepard scrunched her nose in sarcastic distaste. "As it so happens, _no_ I'm not 'dancing'."

"Then you're… what, stretching before we land?"

"No, no, no." The woman busily waved her hands in the air while continuing to move, shift and pelvic thrust in weird directions. "It's just… Liara." Shepard turned behind her and looked down at her blue friend with a sympathetic expression.

"Marine issued underwear: completely uncomfortable, or is it just me?" Both women ignored the immediate bark of laughter that came from their male company.

"Wow! I had no idea Commanders could get wedgies like the rest of us!"

"Shepard," Liara started, lowering her voice to match her hesitation. "Although I do, uh, _understand_ what you mean. The asari don't normally wear… _undergarments." _

The water that made it from Vega's bottle and into his mouth sprayed over the whole cabin in a loud choke.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: Can you imagine if you got a wedgie, or you were itchy, in a suit like that? I wonder if they make reeeeally long shoehorns for such situations.


	14. Fishing

**Bright Intermissions**: A Collection of Snippets

* * *

><p><strong>Snippet 14<strong>: Fishing

* * *

><p>"Do you have a 6?"<p>

"No, I do not...?"

"Do you, or do you not, Garrus."

"Well, I don't think I do." The turian brought his face closer to the paper cards.

"You don't think?"

"Humans have a different numeral system than turians, I'm relying on schooling I received years ago."

"Let me see." Shepard leaned sideways, only to have Garrus yank his hand away.

"I believe that's cheating, Shepard."

"I'm trying to help!"

"While in the process memorizing what numbers I have."

"Nuh uh!" Shepard opened her mouth in surprise.

"I know your sneaky tactics, don't pull that on me. Shepard... Shepard, stop that. Stop – come on. Are you… are you crying? Don't do that… I… fine. Fine! Here!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: If only Shepard did this to the council. Things would turn out a lot differently in ME1 if she had just pouted until she got what she wanted. I can't help but picture turians going all mushy at seeing a human go all sadface.

"Saren, why are you doing this?"

"Because I am evil bahahaha!"

"But… Sawweennn…"

"I… I will stop being the badguy if you stop making that pitiful human expression that warms my heart!"


End file.
